So what am I, a cat owner, doing with a book entitled Breaking Bad Habits in Dogs? I've been transported into another world: I keep saying "I had no idea..." and then reading out snippets from the chapters (whose headings conjure up pictures of desperate days with dogs: Excessive Barking, Separation Anxiety, Destructive Behaviour, the Dominant Dog... and the intriguing: Sexual Problems, involving the use of a water pistol.) It's a whole new world to me. Cats only require minimal training, so I hadn't realised what canine training entails.

The more I read the more I'm delighted I've got a cat. Two hundred pages of do's and don'ts including putting a dog in an indoor cage to reduce separation anxiety (you'll have to read the book for the full details of this and the water pistol).

I'm really sorry for the dog in the cage and even more pleased that my pet is an animal that doesn't suffer from separation anxiety, doesn't want to be dominant, doesn't bark excessively and disturb the neighbours, doesn't bite visitors, enjoys his own company, is graceful and funny and doesn't have to be trained. I also don't have to take my cat for walkies in other people's fields early in the morning. Oh dear...I've now annoyed all you dog lovers and you still don't know why I took the book out.

Drat! My wonderful cat, whose virtues I've just been extolling, jumped onto my shoulders just now; after first taking possession of the keyboard, he's now trying to encourage more paper to emerge from the printer. Please will someone tell me how to train him to keep his paws out of my computer hardware?