Who am I? You know, because you see my name every week.

I am all over the internet, and in various libraries and bookshops. But after 15 years of spending my money my bank has decided it wants me to prove who I am.

Flipping cheek.

My bank account is in my full name, because that is what they asked for.

So did the forms for the rates etc, but all have come back with one Christian name - or a Christian name and initial. Not good enough they say.

My passport? Not renewed since 1980, as I never go further than England.

My driving licence? Produced so often to banks it is falling to bits.

Now police forces all over the UK say no one but a policeman is entitled to see it.

The DVLA run a service to certify the existence of licences to people entitled to know, but apparently the bank is not one.

My late mum, who also had an account with one of the banks, did not drive and never held a licence.

They suggest we photocopy driving licences and send them to them. Do they not realise that is an offence under obscure parts of the forgery legislation - creating a false instrument, made even worse by posting it to someone else and having no control over it.

Many of us have multiple identities. Though christened Robert I’ve always been Bob, except when tiny when I was Bobby.

I was always telling health professionals my mum was not Phyllis, her first name, but Joyce or Jo.

My brother was Arthur or John, depending where he was.

Dad was Jack, but christened John as the parish priest insisted Jack was not a real name.

Yet the banks are supposed to be agreeing to accounts for all to receive benefits and pension.

Presumably that is everyone whose face fits.