A FRIEND of mine once got herself into a tricky situation in an hotel in New York. She asked the night porter if he could knock her up at 8am.

Unfortunately this expression is understood somewhat differently over the pond. Knocking up refers to giving someone something other than an early morning call, resulting in an increase in the population. The night porter was surprised but apparently prepared to accommodate the request.

The confusion was sorted out to the satisfaction of both parties with an exchange of tips a ten-dollar bill to the porter and advice on areas of potential linguistic confusion in return.

When a fag can refer to a gay person rather than a cigarette and a bum is a tramp, there are endless possibilities for fundamental (sorry) misunderstandings, some of which are exploited.

The following advice appeared recently in an American magazine and was apparently taken seriously by a lot of people.

"MAKING FRIENDS The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances when you walk down the street.

"TRANSPORTATION Public taxis are subsidised by the Government. A taxi ride in London costs £2, no matter how far you travel. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the smaller heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and state your destination to the driver, for example 'Please take me to Buckingham Palace'. A driver may have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist. For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman, as ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The announcement 'Mind the Gappe!' is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.

"FOOD AND WINE Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he does not, you should ask for one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia. Try a Ripon '88 or Ely '84 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair."

Pass me a glass of the Hughenden 91 and I'll drink to that!