I SEE that all the papers, including this one, are full of ideas on how to survive Christmas.

Cook your Christmas turkey by the middle of July, they say. Post all your cards by Guy Fawkes Night and drink a box of raw eggs to avoid a hangover are the kind of stress-free ideas the papers advise.

The Sundays are the worst for it. I know they have vast acres of newsprint to fill but does anyone really believe that deep breathing and herbal tea will be enough to get through four days with the family?

Of course not. The thought of those sad old relatives bowling up to the house is enough to spark the gloomiest thought.

Four days at home. Four days in which you live in constant fear of having to wear a party hat. 'Why can't you just enjoy yourself' cries mad Uncle George as he spills another sherry.

'Just one more, after all it is Christmas.'

Should I ever have to go to court for any reason that will be my defence. 'I'm sorry I rammed that bloody bottle of sherry down his neck m'lud, but after all it was Christmas.

'Sorry if I threw the tree out the window and two of my nephews with it, but after all it was Christmas.'

It never seems to occur to these people that the reason you don't see more of your relatives during the year is not because you're too busy.

It's because you don't like them.

It's like those people who send you Christmas cards promising 'Let's meet up as soon as we can in the new year.'

This of course means you will not hear from them again for another 12 months. Personally I think all cards should be sub-divided into 'cards I wanted to send,' 'card sent out of guilt' and 'card sent even though I hate you.'

These last ones of course mostly go to relatives. The same dribbling relatives you usually have to visit on Boxing Day when any idea of Christmas being fun has finally drained out of the whole occasion.

By midday Boxing Day, when all avenues of escape are closed, you look for any way of getting out.

Even something as boring as a walk seems like a good idea. I swear that I will kill the first person to suggest a game of Monopoly. And is there anyone left on earth who thinks that Trivial Pursuit is fun?