I HAD a shock this week when a reader wrote in to recommend that Gerrards Cross should be renamed Ryan's Chip.

I thought for a moment that they were referring to the articles I have written about the charming little backwater affectionately known as the last place on God's earth.

For those who don't know Gerrards Snob, it is the place where the residents are unusually pale and only come out at night. For some reason, some of the old dears have become a little twitchy about me pointing out this fact.

In this case however, the Ryan's chip in question was that of the Wycombe Wanderers' player who scored against Liverpool.

A proud moment for Rhino and for the fans so to immortalise it seems quite sensible to me. But is Gerrards Odd really the place to choose?

And frankly, Keith don't hold your breath anyway. I doubt if your team draws much of its fan base from the village that time forgot.

You can be certain that few of the undead who live in Gerrards Snob bothered to take their Mercs up to Birmingham.

Probably a good job. I shudder to think what comments they might have made of the street lighting or, heavens above, the fast food outlets in downtown Aston.

They would probably have had to call an extraordinary meeting of the parish council just to recover from the shock.

But there was little fear of them going anyway. I doubt very much whether football is high on the list of sports undertaken in Gerrards Snob. A quiet game of canasta or a 'delightful' game of bridge is more likely to get their lace curtains trembling with excitement.

Anything more might be more exciting than the poor dears can take.

I am hoping that some of the younger members of the community, the under-seventies say, might back the campaign to give Keith the tribute he deserves.

I TRUST all of our readers had a Happy Easter.

I aimed to spend the time off catching up on some long overdue alcohol and now plan to have the taste of lemonade surgically removed from my mouth.

Giving up alcohol at least proved that such a foolhardy pursuit is not good for your health. It isn't true that no alcohol is good for you. The only other drinks you can have in pubs are so sweet that your teeth fall out, so no more of that nonsense.

I wrote this piece in advance so I could spend all weekend getting back to good habits. Don't be surprised if you see me looking a lot jollier this week.