Families call for change to cemetery rules

It is an issue that strikes a chord in the hearts of us all. By virtue of its universality, death, grief and how we choose to keep the memories of our beloved alive are themes we are all forced to think about and all must inevitably face.

Since Palaeolithic times mankind's attention to burial rituals has been an important part of life with stones and other markings being used throughout the ages to remember those gone before them.

But in this day and age, unlike our prehistoric ancestors who buried their dead wherever they saw fit, cemeteries, usually managed by local authorities or parochial church councils, are where we lay and pay tribute to our dearly departed.

So it is not surprising in a subject so intensely personal that conflict arises between these managing authorities and the public they pledge to serve.

Letters have been flooding into the Free Press after a recent report on cemetery rules prompted a wave of public protest.

At the centre of the controversy is Hughenden Parish Council. Its decision to strictly enforce rules regarding the upkeep of graves at Four Ashes Cemetery in Hughenden fuelled emotions among grieving relatives who have buried their loved ones at the Cryer's Hill site.

Parish councillors wrote to relatives telling them that if ornaments, mementos and flowers, other than those provisioned for in a memorial tablet, were not removed, they would be taken away.

As a result, relationships are strained with the parish council facing accusations of "insensitivity" and as one mother said, "grave desecration".

The relatives want the council to rethink its policy and in the words of one grieving father, "allow people to remember and pass through the grieving process in their own way".

However, Hughenden Parish Council refutes the criticisms and claims that it is adhering to rules held at the Cryers Hill Cemetery since 1961 rules it says are in accordance with national legislation, most specifically the Burial Acts 1852 to 1908.

According to the Acts, managers of cemeteries, in many cases parish and town councils, have the right to make regulations as they see necessary for the positive upkeep of the cemetery.

Lynne Turner, Hughenden parish clerk, said the rules are being enforced to meet health and safety regulations for maintenance workers at the cemetery and to keep the graveyard tidy.

But Harry Mathews, 65, of Penn, who buried his son Kirby at Four Ashes Cemetery nine years ago, feels that the parish should also make provision for the "positive" feelings of relatives.

"Everyone realises that there must be some rules but these are totally insensitive," he said.

"As long as people look after their own plots then they should be left to grieve in their own private way."

But this is not the first time such an emotive issue has hit the headlines in Bucks.

A campaign was fought and won by the Neill family, from Marlow, in 1999, when a 4,780-strong petition swayed Marlow Town Council to reconsider its rules which banned the family from leaving a tribute on their 19-month old daughter's grave.

The tribute was allowed to stay and parishioners praised the council's willingness to rise above bureaucratic red tape and recognise the need for change.

Wycombe district councillor David Carroll (Cons, Kingshill) appreciates that the rules are in place to serve a purpose but believes that a compromise in the Hughenden case will eventually be reached.

"It is such an emotional scenario but rules can be changed," he said.

"There is always a compromise and a middle ground in life. I know the parish is working to remedy the situation. Often after people air their views a situation can be improved."

As yet Hughenden Parish Council is unmoved but clerk Mrs Turner says that meetings may be held after the summer holidays.

"It is not down to me and I cannot pre-empt a decision that will be made by parish councillors," she said.

A spokesman for the National Association of Local Councils, a group providing support, advice and services to parish and town councils, said although it is best practice for parishes to consult with the public, they were not obliged to change their own discretionary regulations.

"As a burial authority they have a mix of powers and duties but with regard to improving and keeping the cemetery in order they can go about this in whatever manner they see fit," he added.

According to Mary Saunders, secretary of the Diocesan Advisory Committee for Care of Churches in Oxford, Berkshire and Buckinghamshire, individual churches and parishes often draft rules banning integral flower vases and fences but many "turn a blind eye" to the placing of mementos as it is "pastorally desirable to do so".

"Many churches are tolerant, especially where children are concerned, as it helps with the grieving process. But I know that toys on graves does cause anxiety with fears that wild animals may be attracted to them and also because of maintenance issues," she added.

But for now relatives are living in the hope that a compromise can be reached and, in the words of Mr Matthews, "are finally allowed to let our loved ones Rest in Peace".

Council forced to do a U-turn

A 4,780-STRONG petition collected by a grieving Marlow family persuaded their town council to let them keep decorations on the grave of their 19-month-old daughter.

Simon and Karen Neill, of Newtown Road, were given a 28-day ultimatum by Marlow Town Council back in March, 1999, after it deemed pebbles around their daughter Mary's grave were "unsightly" and contravened cemetery regulations.

The Neills' two other daughters, Nancy and Rosie, came up with the idea of laying pebbles around their sister's grave as a tribute to her.

The strength of feeling among campaigners forced the town council to do a U-turn and rethink its rules, leaving the Neills overjoyed that their tribute to Mary remained untouched.

James Campbell, Marlow Town Mayor at the time, said he had been greatly moved by the number of letters he received.

He said: "I do not apologise for being moved by sympathy.'

He added: "We as councillors have to maintain the regulations but we also have to realise the feelings of people. We have learnt lessons."

A committee to review the regulations at the cemetery was later set up.