Bucks Art Week

But 34-year-old Simon Morley and his colleague David Friend have made a living out of it.

They are not a pair of Chippendales but just two apparently "well-endowed" Australian blokes who found that after six pints of beer they could do their 'dick tricks' to the great amusement of on-lookers.

From humble beginnings they have now hit the West End and are touring the country with their sell-out show, Puppetry of the Penis, which features them manipulating their lower regions into various shapes objects and land marks.

And the show has proved anything but a flop, with audiences of all ages and sexes gagging at the bit to goggle at this full-frontal spectacular.

"The old ladies love it. We once had a group of old ladies in their 80s at South End and after the show one of these little old ladies tottered up and said I have waited 65 years to see a penis like that," Simon reassures.

But he also says that the antics, which began as "a bit of a joke in front of the pub boys" has ironically ended up attracting more women, particularly in Britain.

"In Australia it was more a 50/50 audience of male and female, old and young. I mean originally both me and Friendly would have a few pints and kick our pants off for the entertainment of the blokes in a bar, but more women seem to find amusement in it now," he says.

Simon, who used to tour with stand-up comedians, and Friendly, as he's known, who has a degree in computing but on Simon's evidence used to be a bit of a "surf bum", both come from Melbourne in Australia.

But they have utilised their talents to bring them across the globe to audiences here.

Simon can use his experience in stand-up, although Friendly has had to resort to shifting the impetus off his bum to concentrate on more up-front parts of anatomy.

In truth, Blue Peter presenters have nothing on these two when it comes to making something out of a couple of useless objects.

A hamburger, hot dog, Loch Ness monster and the Eiffel tower are just a few of the magical manipulations they perform.

Despite being fairly good-humoured and in-your-face Aussie blokes they too experienced a touch of the nervous sweating palms the first time they performed.

Simon, who is suffering from a bought of flu but still manages to sound in good spirits, says "I was petrified, its one thing showing your genitalia but another going out butt naked in front of hundreds of people."

But he seems to have slipped into the role of puppet master quite easily and now feels totally in control, in every sense of the word.

A video camera projects his intimate details onto a large screen so that even those at the back of the audience will see more than they bargained for.

"With the aid of the camera I can promise a penis that's three stories high and not many men can do that," he says.

However, the exposure does have its down falls like "Occasionally you'll hear someone shout 'he's got a pimple on his bum', now that's embarrassing."

And although there has been some adverse reaction to the show, the puppeting pair stand firm that it is a completely non-sexual affair and just a bit of a laugh.

THERE'S a route planner at the back of the brochure listing Bucks Art Week open studios. It got me thinking of those campaign buses taking electioneering MPs criss-crossing the country to sundry consituencies, to see and be seen as widely as possible.

A glance at the brochure's map pinpointing open studios shows it would be a complex operation to visit all of them. Fortunately for us in south Bucks, the majority are south of Aylesbury, with big clusters around High Wycombe, Great Missenden, Amersham and Marlow.

Much more fun than a political tour would be a cultural tour of south Bucks during Bucks Art Week. It could be a bit like those cultural trips to Italian art galleries you read about, without the language problems.

These are hidden treasures. If you're anything like me, you'd no idea there are 136 artists and crafts people beavering away all year round in their studios creating whacky modern art, traditional watercolours, sculptures and ceramics, jewellery and pottery, furniture and computer art.

These 136 are all displaying work in progress as well as finished pieces during the two-week event from June 16 to July 1.

Sally Bulteel, Bucks Art Week coordinator and a participating artist herself, says: "It's nice that people can come to see our work and feel so relaxed. A gallery can be a bit stand-offish and perhaps a bit nerve-wracking to some people. Visiting the studios gives the idea that artists are just ordinary people and this is how we work."

Most of the artists are opening their own studios, homes and workshops, though some artists are getting together in a central place.

Members of Bucks Art Forum will be exhibiting at the Market Hall, Old Amersham from June 18 to 24. This group consists of artists who studied at Amersham & Wycombe College between the 1970s and 1994.

Another group of seven Fine Art graduates, who call themselves Studio 91, will be exhibiting at a working studio in Seer Green.

St Dunstan's Church, Monks Risborough, is the setting for a diverse range of work from seven artists, including painting, metalwork, pottery, video, woodcarving and printmaking.

Anne Read's fascinating collection of mosaic art, using stone, marble, glass, ceramics and semiprecious stones, can be viewed alongside the paintings of fellow artists who are joining her at her Wendover home for the event.

If you spotted easels set up on the roadside in a thunderstorm last winter, it was probably Keith and Roni Wilkins and Rosina Flower. The three artists decided to leave their warm studios for one day a week throughout winter to paint open-air. The results can be seen at their studios in Naphill and Hazlemere.

Some of the most charming studio visits are to solitary artists, whom you can see at work in their normal environment.

Some of them are amateur enthusiasts. Others, like professional silk painting artist Jill Kennedy in Marlow, have a huge following with international commissions and books to their credit.

During these two weeks they will all be only too happy to stop and talk about their work to anyone who calls by.

Bucks Art Week 2001 from June 16 to July 1, brochures from libraries, galleries, tourist offices and arts centres or send a 33p sae to The Hale Farmhouse, Wendover, HP22 6QR