I PROMISE to give up smoking, drinking and eating fatty food. On top of this I have joined a gym and will spend the rest of the year cycling, running and lifting weights.

Like hell. I know this is the time of year for people everywhere to realise their lives are a complete mess and to make thousands of resolutions in a futile attempt to do something about it.

Fat people everywhere are joining gyms, chewing on raw carrots and setting out on long walks to the corner shop and back.

But what's the point of promising to do something you'll drop faster than a hot kebab when the going gets tough?

Next week it will be back to fatty snacks and five hours of TV a night.

I have however made a couple of resolutions. One is to go easy on Gerrards Cross, you know the land of the living dead, the place that time forgot, the village that makes Brigadoon look lively (damn, broken that one already).

I also promise not to say anything about Wycombe District Council unless it is positive.

Moving on then, resolution number three is to really annoy the crap motorists who use the A40 in the morning. I don't mind that they risk their own lives, but I would prefer if they left mine alone. So it's happy new year to the lot of you.

One resolution I am determined to keep is to never to watch Christmas TV again. What a pile of rubbish. It comes to something when it's just a pile of soap and a few desperate celebrity quiz specials.

And as for the main Christmas film. Over three hours just to find out that the bloody ship sank. I could have done without Leonardo de Pinocchio from the first half hour to be honest.

The worst thing over Christmas though was undoubtedly the dreadful Anne Robinson whose inability is only matched by her arrogance. You are the weakest link Anne, goodbye.